Returning To The Gym Now That I’m Open About My Disability
I exercise the way that works for me
It’s been years since I’ve visited a gym. I started working out at home during the pandemic and didn’t find a reason to return after Noah arrived. Then, last week Lisa and I decided to renew our memberships.
We spent a half hour at our village’s fitness center.
It was a relief canceling a gym membership a month into the pandemic. I’ve always felt out of place in a public gym since there’s only a few machines I can operate being a person with cerebral palsy of the right side. It also takes weeks to figure out how to use the few exercise units that are accessible to me. I thought it had been easier sweating on a workout bike I’ve ridden hundreds of times in private where no one can see my right side.
However, Lisa and I wanted to try new workouts and I’m no longer hiding my disability as a 35-year-old parent.
Read more of my work here:
New York Times: With a Baby on the Way, It Was Time to Embrace My Disability
Writer’s Digest: Adaptations I Learned Writing a Memoir With Cerebral Palsy
USA Today: 'Dadda is disabled': How I teach my son about my cerebral palsy
On the treadmill, my head used to pivot to the person next to me every few minutes, making sure they weren’t focused on my right arm flapping freely and a staggered jog. I never lingered at the leg press to avoid questions about my own spastic right leg. Amongst other gym-goers, I was vulnerable and prepared to exit the place at the first sideways glance.
I haven’t been back to this space since opening up about my disability while preparing for parenthood. Returning, my entire right arm is exposed. I’m mostly unfazed if anyone stares. I still can’t mount half the equipment but I’m confident when I do take up the rowing machine and treadmill again. This time I didn’t almost fall making sure an unknown running partner wasn’t looking at me. Although, my calves were burning after about five minutes of trotting.
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Reintroduction: A Substack on Disability, Parenthood and Everything Else
I often injure myself working out. I overextend my right arm and leg after a quick fifteen minute routine. I pull something in my right shoulder. I’m in pain for a week. I don’t know. I’m not stretching properly, right?
Regardless, I still cycled on a Peloton bike every weekday for the past five years. It’s difficult for me to start a week day without a quick ride before waking up Noah. I want to feel healthy and energized for the little boy — and that means a short workout in the morning. There will be days I skip because I’ve hurt myself again. With a disability, I exercise the way that works for me. No free weights. A stationary bike makes sense though. Once my right hand relaxes, it can hold onto the handle bar and then I guide my right foot with my left hand into the pedal. Getting off, I first unlatch my left foot and then use the tip of the shoe to push my right out of its fixed position. There’s a little stretching afterward where I secure a foam roller underneath both arms — and move back and forth — to relieve tension. A helpful chiropractor showed me this a few years ago and it mitigates some pain.
Back at the public gym, I take it slow. I look around to see what machines might be approachable with muscle weakness on my right side. Nothing has actually changed inside the modest fitness room that has big windows and a couple small televisions showing the weather from a local news channel.
There’s barely anyone else here with Lisa and I. Her presence next to me on the treadmill puts me at ease and I know my head won’t swivel when there’s a stranger gliding inches away eventually. Half of the machinery is still off-limits — for the moment. No free weights, right? Maybe I’ll see if I can surpass a fifteen pound hand weight that sent me directly to the couch the last time I attempted to lift with my left arm.
I do love the rowing machine and carefully strap my feet into one after the treadmill. My left foot goes in easily. My right foot is tense when I guide it toward the strap and it keeps moving involuntarily. After a few minutes, I’m finally secure and my right foot is relaxed enough to go forward. My right hand is taking forever to settle into place though. I start to accelerate and immediately lose the bar. It snaps back into place. I almost descend and flee. Then, I take a breath, and grab the bar again with my left hand. I wait even longer for my right thumb to bend over the rubber material, I have time, no one is watching and it wouldn’t matter anyway. My right hand is finally ready to clutch the bar. It doesn’t close around it entirely but enough so that I can start to pull.
I’ll be back to the gym next week and on the Peloton before Noah wakes up tomorrow.
Noah’s favorite song this week: Noah knew all the words after one car ride.
…and here’s my gym playlist
I had jaw surgery years ago and was wired shut for weeks. I scared one of my son’s elementary school kids and people tried to act like they weren’t starting at me when I talked in public. It was temporary, thankfully. I commend you not only on your courage to face scrutinizing humans, but your efforts to remain strong and healthy . I am inspired, also, by your attitude about it all. I have had neuropathy in my right leg after injuring myself doing a stupid trampoline workout (not heeding my chiropractors warnings to stop). It’s annoying at best. But it still bothers me that I will probably always have it since it’s been four years and nothing has worked to make it go away. So keep it up! You’re setting an excellent example for your child🙌
It's awesome that you went back to the gym despite your concerns, Chris. I think everyone should exercise the way that works for them, safely, of course. I appreciate you teaching us about what that looks like for you.